Maybe it’s because I live in Massachusetts, which is known for its terrible drivers: Massholes.
It could also be because I live so close to the border of the Godforsaken-state of Rhode Island, which in reality, is such an irrelevant state.
Perhaps it’s because I have MD license plates on my brand new 2011 Toyota Camry and they see me rollin’ and they hatin’.
Meet Dionysus
Either way, each time I venture out on the road, I am met with such a sheer force of bitchassness from drivers with either MA or RI license plates.
Below are signs that you may be one of these people, and why you shouldn’t own a driver’s license:
- You never use your turn signal. Also known as blinkers to stupid people. The greatest offender being Rhode Island drivers. Oh I’m sorry, I didn’t know that you were going to merge into my lane, with 15 ft. of space between me and the car in front of me. You have now caused me to slam on my brakes and my blood pressure to raise exponentially. Did you plan on getting off an exit in a roundabout? Thanks for letting me….nope nevermind.
- You only use your turn signal at stupid times. Oh you’re planning on turning left and you’re in the left-turn only lane. Gotcha, thank you for letting me know.
- You tailgate in the fast lane. Oh that was you? On my ass on the (65 mph speed limit) highway, while I was doing 80 mph in the fast lane. No, I am not going to go 85 mph so you can get to your destination. No, I will not get a speeding ticket just to accommodate your impatient ass.
- You drive 20 mph in a 40 mph zone on a two-way street. WHY? WHY? WHY? How am I going to get around you? Do you not see the caravan of cars behind you in your rear-view mirror?
- You drive on or way too close to the double-yellow line on a two-way street. What the hell are you doing? Are you trying to cause a head-on collision? There is ample space on your side, so please respect my car’s safety cushion space.
- You can not properly determine the distance needed to complete a turn. When I am coming towards you and you need to to turn either left to get to the other lane, or right, to enter my lane, please do so when I’m not almost near you. If you managed to make said turn when I was seconds in front of you, congratulations! You have caused me to slam on my brakes and now I am behind you thinking of all the ways I can possibly kill you and wishing that only the worst things happen to you for the rest of your life.
- You double park. Please just die. All offenders just die.
- You stick the front of your car out into traffic when you want to exit a driveway or street. You self-entitled idiot. I will not let you go. I will swerve around your stupid, ugly car and I will go about my way. You lose.
- You brake when it’s unnecessary. This is usually a sign of an overly cautious driver. Why are you braking when you’re 30 ft behind the car in front of you? Now you’ve caused me to brake and waste my gas.
Driving in these states is seriously not healthy for anyone’s sanity. By the time I’ve reached my destination, I’m usually talking to myself and playing the stupid driver actions over and over in my head. Thinking of every mean thing I could have said and/or done to the offender.
I’ve found that blasting gangsta rap while driving usually calms me down in these situations. Like so:
