beware the ides of…april?

(Long time + Long long time) – time = Long long long time.

What’s my weird blog title about? Well, now that the commotion has calmed down and most of the facts have come out, I wanted to take time to mention the Boston Marathon – April 15th. Growing up, I had no idea about the Boston Marathon, but after moving to MA for school, I learned how big of a event it is in people’s lives. Up here, it falls on what people call “Marathon Monday” – which people take off work for. Since my sophomore year of college, I’ve been live-streaming the Marathon, attempting to see if I notice any of my classmates in the crowd, which I always see a couple, and hearing the inspiring stories of the runners. The runners themselves are inspiring, and you can always see on their faces when the race stops becoming physical and becomes purely mental. People I know may not run the Marathon themselves, but I have many friends who attend to cheer on runners, volunteer at water stations, have family running, etc. Now that I’ve graduated, many of my classmates work/live/go to grad school in Boston, Cambridge, and Watertown. Likewise, many were at the Marathon that day. What happened after the explosives went off and during the week to follow was pure commotion and fear. So many friends had close encounters, being in Copley Square 2 minutes before the explosion, walking away with plans to return shortly. It’s scary how being in the wrong place at the wrong time can happen to anyone. The victims and their families are in my thoughts. It’s inspiring to hear of the large amounts of strangers helping strangers after the explosions and throughout the rest of the week – it definitely helps show that there are still kind acts of humanity. I truly feel saddened that I haven’t even lived a quarter of a century, and my generation has seen so many acts of violence and terrorism. I feel like there is an ever-increasing desensitization to violence, which is definitely not helped by the media, who, in my opinion, causes/promotes unnecessary mass panic, speculation, and hatred.  Hopefully Boston as a city, and the US as a nation, can get past this.

To change moods, I guess now I’ll transition into why I’ve been so MIA.

While growing up, one of my favorite shows was The Magic School Bus. I always watched it, even if it was a re-run, looking for information I may have missed before. I even love watching it now, and I’ll be 24 in 3 months haha. That’s the beauty of learning, the beauty of wonder. These past few months were spent going through the grad school application process. Through my statement of purpose and interviews, I hoped to communicate this passion that I had, my belief of universal potential and ability. I attempted not to be a naive and assume that everything in education will be rainbows, or that the “children need saving”. I just want to do what I feel like I was put on this earth to do: empathize, inspire, motivate, communicate, and teach. Anyways,  I decided to play if safe and apply to 5 (FIVE) schools. What happened next, I would have never imagined – I got into all five schools. And after a stressful couple of weeks deciding, I finally chose a school that fits me. I can happily and officially say that I am going to grad school to get my Masters of Arts in Teaching! I will be seeking secondary chemistry certification, in other words – I will be a high school chemistry teacher. This month will be my last month in MA, as I will be moving to my home-state, MD, for grad school. While I’m sad to leave friends and close this chapter of my life, I am more than ready to begin this new one.

All I can say is: things are looking up! So it’s looking like this blog, obviously personal, will have a new underlying theme: Engineer turned Educator! I’m really excited for this new journey in my life and to channel my inner Ms. Frizzle!

The Frizz

“Take Chances, Make Mistakes, and Get Messy!”

of groundhogs and men

I don’t know about anyone else, but I am SO over this Winter and the cold. As a child, Winter is so fun and exciting. It means snow days or two-hour school delays, sleeping in on a weekday,  snow angels, building igloos, “helping” to shovel the driveway, and hot chocolate. Obviously the finer things in life. As an adult, Winter means waking up early to shovel snow off of and around your car, pumping gas in 10 degree weather, slow traffic, near-death drifting experiences because you’re too cheap to buy snow tires, ugly and washed out winter skin, dry skin and hair, dirty/smelly/slushy carpet when you enter the grocery store [Why do they do that?!], and people double-parking because exactly no one can locate the parking space lines. Ugh.

Punxsutawney Phil: “these people really believe this shit…”

I believe the Farmers’ Almanac to be more accurate than the anything the weather people say.  I’m not sure what Punxsutawney Phil predicted, but according to the Farmers’ almanac: it’s looking like shit until April. With Nemo coming to the Northeast tomorrow, I wish I was living in Florida right now. But nah, that place is crazy. Bath salts. I’m just like everyone else – wishing for warmth and sandals-weather. Positive note: I have not gotten sick once this winter! Thank you immune system and Purell. (Knock on wood).

On another topic, and the point of this post: my life! Yes it’s strange indeed. Everyone around me is getting engaged, married, and/or having babies – it’s cray. I’m only 23. My obstacles are tuning out (note: not ‘turning out’) assholes on the daily and paying 60% of my salary to student loans. Weddings are fun to attend and babies are fun to play with, but I couldn’t even think about bringing in another human into this world right now.

i get my fair share of babies while volunteering at the shelter

Also, while everyone was busy getting gym memberships last month, I actually cancelled mine. It was kind of ironic and almost like ending a relationship. However, seeing that I hadn’t been to the gym in 4 months, it was unwise to keep throwing away money. My body hasn’t revolted yet in the form of obesity, so no harm done. Thank you wheat allergy! Other than that, I’ve completed a few grad school applications and attempted to tackle the GRE while trying not to die from test anxiety and self-sabotage.

pinot grigio and a burger? classy.

Warning: LA rant about to follow:

At work, I’ve been listening to white noise to drown EVERYONE out. YouTube has this great “12 hours of white noise” video and I’ve added it to my ‘favorites’ list.  I don’t know why I didn’t think of this before, but it’s fabulous and more effective than listening to music. Sometimes I think I’m over-reacting, but often times, I realize that I’m not – people are just that inconsiderate. When you’re in an office, I think it’s so incredibly rude to have a LOUD conversation right outside someone else’s (read: my) cubicle. And the conversation isn’t brief by any means, usually going on for an hour. It’s one of the things I hate the most about working in an office. I dislike hearing other people’s conversations and personal information. I dislike when people talk on speaker phone. I dislike the sounds of people sniffling repeatedly when there’s a box of tissues right on their desk. I dislike the smells wafting from other cubicles. I dislike intrusive people who look at my computer screen when walking by my cubicle. I dislike the fluorescent, fake lighting that makes everyone look washed out, robotic, and ugly. I dislike conformity. I dislike HR’s incompetence  I dislike the sounds of people eating and scraping the last remnants of food out of its respective container. I dislike the smell of the old carpets from the 1970s that haven’t been washed in Lord knows how long. I just don’t think I’m cut out for an office environment. Yeah I should “suck it up and deal with it” and yes, it has caused me to become a little more tolerant, but I always ask myself: “Why is it that I have to be tolerant to unacceptable behavior and unnecessary noises?”

Karma, my good friend, where ya at?!

“Thread does no…

“Thread does not require much space. It can be too fine for the eye to see, yet it is the very thing that binds, that takes pieces and laces them into a whole. Without it, there are tatters. It is never too late for a man to learn to stitch, to begin mending.”

- From the novel Dandelion Summer

Happy New Year! – It’s never too late.

end of the year wrap-up and new focus

I like to limit my posting to twice a month. It always surprises me when someone decides to follow my blog or likes one of my posts. I never really expect to be talking to anyone in particular when I write these, or anyone to really read them. However, I’m glad that people have thought of me as ‘worthy’ to follow haha. I know it’s a bit early to be writing an ‘end of the year’ post, but I figured I’d write one before Dec. 21st…you know. Anything could happen.

This year honestly flew by. I think it was the fastest year I’ve ever experienced. I find beginnings and endings very symbolic. I love the beginning of each day, month, season, year – just as much as the endings. I use them as a time of reflection, usually asking myself:

- What I’ve accomplished?
- What quality of life did I allow myself to have?
- How can I improve my quality of life and what would I like to see change?

my creation from today, on an outing with my mentee

I mostly write these down, along with the weekly happenings, in a journal I keep – a new entry every Monday. I think it’ll be funny to look back on these ramblings when I’m 30, and look at my journey from a bigger picture.  A few months ago, I remember mentioning how I am being proactive about my career situation. Trying to change the fact that I don’t like where I work, or what I do. Sometimes the route we decide to take isn’t always what’s best. The path I think I should be taking, might land me in an even deeper rut than I was before.

So that’s my focus this coming year – to do what I’ve always wanted to do: teach. From engineering to teaching. Although I’m sure the need for math and science teachers isn’t as dire as everyone is making it seem, it’s a career path that I’ve secretly always wanted before the brand new charter schools, Teach For America, and other education reform attempts. I love science. Science is life – it is all around us. I made no secret of my wish while growing up, always loudly proclaiming to my parents: “I WANNA BE A TEACHER!” But everyone told me: “Teachers make no money.” And now: “You’re gonna be so unhappy.” “From engineering to teaching? In this economy? Are you crazy? But why not? Why not now? If money was not a factor, are you doing what you would like to be doing? There are parts of engineering that I do enjoy. The practice…not so much the theory. I’ve always been passionate about the state of education in this country. I respect teachers for what they do. There aren’t too many careers where you have the opportunity to make a difference in 30+ lives in one year. I owe it to 3 teachers for sparking my interest in math and science and unknowingly leading me to chemical engineering. I know of bad teachers. The ones who have burnt out and forgot why they went in the profession in the first place, and take it out on the students. The ones who play favorites and obviously hate children. I know how it feels to be that student – to sit in class and not understand a single thing that’s going on. I know how it feels to feel stupid, to try at a problem, and fail time and time again. I am forever grateful to the teachers who would not let me fail.

The funny thing is that I’ve tried this route before. I applied for Teach For America the Fall of my senior year of college. I made it through the initial application review, got invited to the phone interview, made it past the phone interview, got invited to the final interview, did the final interview. I waited a month. On April 4, 2011, I checked my email.

Rejection.

I didn’t cry, but I felt hurt and confused. I felt lost. I understood it was competitive, but there are some kids they chose who were just using TFA as a resume filler. Going to put in their 2 years teaching and then go to law school, or get their PhDs.  What did they see in those kids that they didn’t see in me? And just like that, I stopped trying. Just like that, I let someone else decide that I wasn’t good enough, and I gave up on my dream of becoming a teacher. But hindsight is a funny thing. Not to at all bash TFA, or those who are TFA teachers, but I am so thankful that I never got accepted to TFA. I will be like the teachers before TFA and pursue a teaching career the conventional way. I have many options I can take, so my free time is occupied by putting my plan in motion. I’m excited for what these endeavors will bring.

In 2013, family and friends will still be important.

my two little sisters

And I’m also trying to acquire the taste for red wine.

courtesy of my friend Maddie

I think all these things are doable, so Happy Holidays and here’s to 2013!

Daley – Those Who Wait

“Let the pieces fall into place and you will be fine…”

Such a beautiful song and a wonderful artist.

slow and steady

It’s already Winter? It’s already the end of 2012? How did it all get here so quickly? I’ve been up to things, keeping myself busy – bridal showers, weddings, bar crawls, volunteer work, dancing, camping, etc.

workplace boredom masterpiece

Today, I deactivated my Facebook. There was once a time when I once had 1,000 FB ‘friends’ – sickening, I know. During my senior year of college, I deleted 400. After graduation, I deleted about 100 more.  Also after graduation, my physical social circle shrunk into a favorable-sized group. I don’t really communicate with anyone in this group via Facebook. It’s text/call/email. Me and my 6 other siblings do chat via FB, but we mostly send daily emails and we will text. Same goes for my communication with my parents. As for the other FB friends left, I can only hide so many people from my news feed. I consider myself a humorous person. My statuses are usually witty, and I’d like to think that they would cause a normal person to chuckle. I never post about my location, take pictures of my food, make political rants, etc. I really just say what’s on my mind – mostly jokes, humorous daily happenings.

For example: “A driver really just threw a banana peel out of his window. What the hell – this isn’t Mario Kart…”

But as I scrolled through the unimportant rantings in my news feed(s) this morning, I really just asked myself: Are we really worth how many ‘likes’ we get? That’s what FB seems to be – a quest for likes. A ladder of attention-grabbers and a pair of rose-colored lenses. So maybe I’ll come back to save my pictures and let people know my contact info before I delete for good, but for now, I’m just out. I didn’t make a big deal or status about it. Didn’t send a message. Didn’t let my mouse pointer hover over the ‘deactivate’ button when FB let me know “all my friends who will miss me”. I don’t have a Twitter, Pinterest, Instagram, etc. – never did. I’m just clearing my head and continue to go with the flow of life. I’m sure most people will know where to find me, if not, they’ll most likely ask.

Off to bed. Got a 6am flight home to MD for some Thanksgiving food and family time. So excited! This will actually be my 4th Thanksgiving dinner in the past 2 weeks. I’ve had so many Friendsgivings which I guess just means I’m so lucky to have so many great people in my life!

Continuing to stay positive and live in the present!

true life: i take naps in my car during lunch

About an hour ago, I returned from taking the most delicious lunch time nap.
Oh the struggles of adult life. It can be so challenging sitting and staring at a computer screen.

Yes, I know: first world problems.

Like most Americans, I am cursed with a desk job. But I have found a way to make that a blessing. With most desk jobs also comes an hour-long lunch break. During this lunch break you can:

- continue to work
- actually eat lunch
- go to a doctor’s/dentist appointment
- run errands (mostly post office stuff in my case)
- read a book
- NAP

Most of the time, I  either read, nap, or both. Thirty minutes reading, thirty minutes napping. Both occur in my ever so roomy Toyota Camry. I push the seat all the way back and recline the seat all the way back.
Of course I don’t do this in the parking lot. Since the weather is nice, and it’s summer, it’s best to find a nice, secluded area, where you can safely roll down the windows without fear of being attacked by a weird, crazy stranger. If it’s too hot, make sure you park under a nice tree that will kindly provide you with free shade.

Make sure you keep a blanket/pillow in your car for convenience, and for those chilly days.

I usually end up eating when I get back. It’s important for me to take time out of my 8-5 for myself. Does this make me antisocial? Perhaps. But who would pick conversing over napping? I’ll wait…

That’s what I thought.
Do it.

another year wiser

Yesterday, I turned 23 years old! Life is beautiful!

I am so thankful for my family and friends. I know I am lucky to constantly be surrounded and supported by those who love me and wish the best for me. There was no better way to spend my birthday than back home in MD!

Although I am allergic to wheat, I couldn’t say no to this cake!

Looking forward to more years of positivity, wisdom, new experiences, and growth.

time for a change

As my last post stated, it’s been over a year since my college graduation and I’ve been thinking – which is stupid to say because I’m always thinking. I’ve been in the professional world for a year and without hesitation, I can say that I am NOT happy, satisfied, challenged, acknowledged, etc. In fact, I feel like since graduating, I have indeed “been dumbed down”.

Yes, a paycheck is coming in (an engineer’s paycheck), in this economy. I have a stable job, but seriously, how do people do this? How do people work in a high-stress work environment where they are not passionate about what they do. How are people okay with the feelings of helplessness? How are people okay with going through the motions of life?

Maybe it’s because I still have the young spirit in me, I refuse to be defeated. I refuse to be changed – to become a robot. Many times, more than I’d like to admit, I have fantasized about walking out of work and never coming back for the day. Never ever coming back period. It makes me smile and laugh to myself at my cube, but it keeps me going, keeps me determined.

Can’t stop my shine!

Instead of complaining about my situation, I have decided to be PROACTIVE about changing it. It’s time for me to leave the stuffiness and sheltered-attitudes of New England, let go of attachments, experiencing new things, make new friends, and find an engineering job that I enjoy. It’s time for me to seek career growth.

I have faith in the chaos of the universe – that I will get where I need to be when I need to be.
I hope this optimistic attitude lasts!

graduation: one year later

This past Saturday, I returned to my alma mater to watch the Class of 2012 graduate. It was definitely a weird feeling knowing that just a year ago, I was in their shoes.

One year ago, on this day, I graduated with as B.S. in Chemical Engineering.

Needless to say, I remember the graduation ceremony itself being extremely anticlimactic. Being on the Class Gift Committee, I spoke during the ceremony on behalf of the class gift and got to take a picture with the university President holding the big class gift check. At the end of that day, there were no tears from me. I told everyone that was crying that “I’m not dying and I’m sure that I’ll see you next month”. Like many people, I had mentally graduated  and checked out long before my senior year even started. In fact, I had started cleaning my room out right before winter break senior year.  I remember the last couple of months leading up to graduation being so weird. Like it wasn’t real life. Friendships were starting to deteriorate, there was too much drama, too much uncertainty. Everyone was just trying to find a way to quietly slip away from the reality that our reality was coming to an end. Second semester, as soon as Spring hit, me and my neighbor downstairs (also another senior in my sorority) would sit on our stoop, blast music, drink, people-watch, and reminisce. We did this pretty much everyday, as soon as we got out of class. We would talk to anyone that walked by and invite them to join us. Literally stoopin’ until the streetlights came on. Occasionally we had a random cat join us that we named Stoop Cat.

Meet Stoop Cap: Will hang out for a slice of bologna.

I welcomed graduation, like it would be this huge life-changing event, and I would magically transform into a different person. But alas, I drove away from my empty apartment on May 28, 2011 – still holding on that past, with no idea on how to let go and transition into ‘adulthood’. There were apologies from people that were never given and unanswered questions.  I spent the months of  June and half of July 2011 back home in MD trying to regroup, and then I moved back up to MA to start my new, fresh-out-of-college engineering job.

My summer before my senior year, I interned at a wastewater treatment plant in MD. My boss would always inquire what I really wanted to do with my life. The only thing I could think about was getting the hell out of MA and away from everyone and everything I knew. I wanted to start over again. I researched grad schools’ environmental engineering programs and started studying for the GRE. My parents can attest to the fact that I always said I wanted to be a teacher “when I grew up”. I did my research and in Fall 2010, I applied to Teach For America [I also took the GRE].  Throughout the whole application process (application, phone interview, and final in-person interview), I was told how there needed to be an increase in ‘minority teachers’ and teachers from STEM backgrounds. What? I get to change  lives by teaching and move to a completely new, different place and work with people my age group?! Sign me up!

Well, I guess that’s why people tell you not to put all your eggs into one basket because there I was, April 4, 2011, as I opened up my rejection email: feeling lied to, disappointed, confused and stressed. I didn’t sleep that night – I instead began to apply to engineering jobs aimlessly, not caring where I ended up. I’m the type of person that remembers EVERYTHING – good or bad. I hold my achievements proudly, but my rejections even closer. I still have all my college rejection letters (four to be exact).  I wonder if it’s some miracle, some reason, that I didn’t get into those colleges, Teach For America, didn’t get a job in another state,  or move closer back to my home in MD. Not to mention the fact that I was fooling myself when I said I wanted to go to grad school. Well life is a funny thing because I happened to get a job offer the day before graduation.

One year later:
I am slowly starting to shape together my own life, but to also learning to LET GO! I don’t talk to people who I don’t want to talk to, especially ‘energy vampires’,  and I don’t do things that I don’t want to do. I find enjoyment and excitement in the littlest things, like buying a new brand of conditioner, unfriending people on Facebook, pretending I’m on ‘The Office’ while at work, etc.  Each day I walk, with my head high, never looking at the ground or diverting my gaze, looking every human being that I encounter directly in the eyes. Yes, I may still be a little awkward, but I am confident. I’m becoming less afraid of things and more carefree. My life has some semblance of structure. I exercise, do volunteer-work with little kids, mentor, and still hang out with my friends. However,  there’s always that word – ‘PURPOSE’, in the back of my mind, whispering into my ear.  I need a job that allows me to be more creative, to express myself. I’m not sure how cubicle-lifestyle became so acceptable.

8am to 5pm

“Life can only be understood looking backwards, but it must be lived forwards.” – Soren Kierkegaard