of groundhogs and men

I don’t know about anyone else, but I am SO over this Winter and the cold. As a child, Winter is so fun and exciting. It means snow days or two-hour school delays, sleeping in on a weekday,  snow angels, building igloos, “helping” to shovel the driveway, and hot chocolate. Obviously the finer things in life. As an adult, Winter means waking up early to shovel snow off of and around your car, pumping gas in 10 degree weather, slow traffic, near-death drifting experiences because you’re too cheap to buy snow tires, ugly and washed out winter skin, dry skin and hair, dirty/smelly/slushy carpet when you enter the grocery store [Why do they do that?!], and people double-parking because exactly no one can locate the parking space lines. Ugh.

Punxsutawney Phil: “these people really believe this shit…”

I believe the Farmers’ Almanac to be more accurate than the anything the weather people say.  I’m not sure what Punxsutawney Phil predicted, but according to the Farmers’ almanac: it’s looking like shit until April. With Nemo coming to the Northeast tomorrow, I wish I was living in Florida right now. But nah, that place is crazy. Bath salts. I’m just like everyone else – wishing for warmth and sandals-weather. Positive note: I have not gotten sick once this winter! Thank you immune system and Purell. (Knock on wood).

On another topic, and the point of this post: my life! Yes it’s strange indeed. Everyone around me is getting engaged, married, and/or having babies – it’s cray. I’m only 23. My obstacles are tuning out (note: not ‘turning out’) assholes on the daily and paying 60% of my salary to student loans. Weddings are fun to attend and babies are fun to play with, but I couldn’t even think about bringing in another human into this world right now.

i get my fair share of babies while volunteering at the shelter

Also, while everyone was busy getting gym memberships last month, I actually cancelled mine. It was kind of ironic and almost like ending a relationship. However, seeing that I hadn’t been to the gym in 4 months, it was unwise to keep throwing away money. My body hasn’t revolted yet in the form of obesity, so no harm done. Thank you wheat allergy! Other than that, I’ve completed a few grad school applications and attempted to tackle the GRE while trying not to die from test anxiety and self-sabotage.

pinot grigio and a burger? classy.

Warning: LA rant about to follow:

At work, I’ve been listening to white noise to drown EVERYONE out. YouTube has this great “12 hours of white noise” video and I’ve added it to my ‘favorites’ list.  I don’t know why I didn’t think of this before, but it’s fabulous and more effective than listening to music. Sometimes I think I’m over-reacting, but often times, I realize that I’m not – people are just that inconsiderate. When you’re in an office, I think it’s so incredibly rude to have a LOUD conversation right outside someone else’s (read: my) cubicle. And the conversation isn’t brief by any means, usually going on for an hour. It’s one of the things I hate the most about working in an office. I dislike hearing other people’s conversations and personal information. I dislike when people talk on speaker phone. I dislike the sounds of people sniffling repeatedly when there’s a box of tissues right on their desk. I dislike the smells wafting from other cubicles. I dislike intrusive people who look at my computer screen when walking by my cubicle. I dislike the fluorescent, fake lighting that makes everyone look washed out, robotic, and ugly. I dislike conformity. I dislike HR’s incompetence  I dislike the sounds of people eating and scraping the last remnants of food out of its respective container. I dislike the smell of the old carpets from the 1970s that haven’t been washed in Lord knows how long. I just don’t think I’m cut out for an office environment. Yeah I should “suck it up and deal with it” and yes, it has caused me to become a little more tolerant, but I always ask myself: “Why is it that I have to be tolerant to unacceptable behavior and unnecessary noises?”

Karma, my good friend, where ya at?!

true life: i take naps in my car during lunch

About an hour ago, I returned from taking the most delicious lunch time nap.
Oh the struggles of adult life. It can be so challenging sitting and staring at a computer screen.

Yes, I know: first world problems.

Like most Americans, I am cursed with a desk job. But I have found a way to make that a blessing. With most desk jobs also comes an hour-long lunch break. During this lunch break you can:

- continue to work
- actually eat lunch
- go to a doctor’s/dentist appointment
- run errands (mostly post office stuff in my case)
- read a book
- NAP

Most of the time, I  either read, nap, or both. Thirty minutes reading, thirty minutes napping. Both occur in my ever so roomy Toyota Camry. I push the seat all the way back and recline the seat all the way back.
Of course I don’t do this in the parking lot. Since the weather is nice, and it’s summer, it’s best to find a nice, secluded area, where you can safely roll down the windows without fear of being attacked by a weird, crazy stranger. If it’s too hot, make sure you park under a nice tree that will kindly provide you with free shade.

Make sure you keep a blanket/pillow in your car for convenience, and for those chilly days.

I usually end up eating when I get back. It’s important for me to take time out of my 8-5 for myself. Does this make me antisocial? Perhaps. But who would pick conversing over napping? I’ll wait…

That’s what I thought.
Do it.

time for a change

As my last post stated, it’s been over a year since my college graduation and I’ve been thinking – which is stupid to say because I’m always thinking. I’ve been in the professional world for a year and without hesitation, I can say that I am NOT happy, satisfied, challenged, acknowledged, etc. In fact, I feel like since graduating, I have indeed “been dumbed down”.

Yes, a paycheck is coming in (an engineer’s paycheck), in this economy. I have a stable job, but seriously, how do people do this? How do people work in a high-stress work environment where they are not passionate about what they do. How are people okay with the feelings of helplessness? How are people okay with going through the motions of life?

Maybe it’s because I still have the young spirit in me, I refuse to be defeated. I refuse to be changed – to become a robot. Many times, more than I’d like to admit, I have fantasized about walking out of work and never coming back for the day. Never ever coming back period. It makes me smile and laugh to myself at my cube, but it keeps me going, keeps me determined.

Can’t stop my shine!

Instead of complaining about my situation, I have decided to be PROACTIVE about changing it. It’s time for me to leave the stuffiness and sheltered-attitudes of New England, let go of attachments, experiencing new things, make new friends, and find an engineering job that I enjoy. It’s time for me to seek career growth.

I have faith in the chaos of the universe – that I will get where I need to be when I need to be.
I hope this optimistic attitude lasts!

graduation: one year later

This past Saturday, I returned to my alma mater to watch the Class of 2012 graduate. It was definitely a weird feeling knowing that just a year ago, I was in their shoes.

One year ago, on this day, I graduated with as B.S. in Chemical Engineering.

Needless to say, I remember the graduation ceremony itself being extremely anticlimactic. Being on the Class Gift Committee, I spoke during the ceremony on behalf of the class gift and got to take a picture with the university President holding the big class gift check. At the end of that day, there were no tears from me. I told everyone that was crying that “I’m not dying and I’m sure that I’ll see you next month”. Like many people, I had mentally graduated  and checked out long before my senior year even started. In fact, I had started cleaning my room out right before winter break senior year.  I remember the last couple of months leading up to graduation being so weird. Like it wasn’t real life. Friendships were starting to deteriorate, there was too much drama, too much uncertainty. Everyone was just trying to find a way to quietly slip away from the reality that our reality was coming to an end. Second semester, as soon as Spring hit, me and my neighbor downstairs (also another senior in my sorority) would sit on our stoop, blast music, drink, people-watch, and reminisce. We did this pretty much everyday, as soon as we got out of class. We would talk to anyone that walked by and invite them to join us. Literally stoopin’ until the streetlights came on. Occasionally we had a random cat join us that we named Stoop Cat.

Meet Stoop Cap: Will hang out for a slice of bologna.

I welcomed graduation, like it would be this huge life-changing event, and I would magically transform into a different person. But alas, I drove away from my empty apartment on May 28, 2011 – still holding on that past, with no idea on how to let go and transition into ‘adulthood’. There were apologies from people that were never given and unanswered questions.  I spent the months of  June and half of July 2011 back home in MD trying to regroup, and then I moved back up to MA to start my new, fresh-out-of-college engineering job.

My summer before my senior year, I interned at a wastewater treatment plant in MD. My boss would always inquire what I really wanted to do with my life. The only thing I could think about was getting the hell out of MA and away from everyone and everything I knew. I wanted to start over again. I researched grad schools’ environmental engineering programs and started studying for the GRE. My parents can attest to the fact that I always said I wanted to be a teacher “when I grew up”. I did my research and in Fall 2010, I applied to Teach For America [I also took the GRE].  Throughout the whole application process (application, phone interview, and final in-person interview), I was told how there needed to be an increase in ‘minority teachers’ and teachers from STEM backgrounds. What? I get to change  lives by teaching and move to a completely new, different place and work with people my age group?! Sign me up!

Well, I guess that’s why people tell you not to put all your eggs into one basket because there I was, April 4, 2011, as I opened up my rejection email: feeling lied to, disappointed, confused and stressed. I didn’t sleep that night – I instead began to apply to engineering jobs aimlessly, not caring where I ended up. I’m the type of person that remembers EVERYTHING – good or bad. I hold my achievements proudly, but my rejections even closer. I still have all my college rejection letters (four to be exact).  I wonder if it’s some miracle, some reason, that I didn’t get into those colleges, Teach For America, didn’t get a job in another state,  or move closer back to my home in MD. Not to mention the fact that I was fooling myself when I said I wanted to go to grad school. Well life is a funny thing because I happened to get a job offer the day before graduation.

One year later:
I am slowly starting to shape together my own life, but to also learning to LET GO! I don’t talk to people who I don’t want to talk to, especially ‘energy vampires’,  and I don’t do things that I don’t want to do. I find enjoyment and excitement in the littlest things, like buying a new brand of conditioner, unfriending people on Facebook, pretending I’m on ‘The Office’ while at work, etc.  Each day I walk, with my head high, never looking at the ground or diverting my gaze, looking every human being that I encounter directly in the eyes. Yes, I may still be a little awkward, but I am confident. I’m becoming less afraid of things and more carefree. My life has some semblance of structure. I exercise, do volunteer-work with little kids, mentor, and still hang out with my friends. However,  there’s always that word – ‘PURPOSE’, in the back of my mind, whispering into my ear.  I need a job that allows me to be more creative, to express myself. I’m not sure how cubicle-lifestyle became so acceptable.

8am to 5pm

“Life can only be understood looking backwards, but it must be lived forwards.” – Soren Kierkegaard

the adult life of a generation y baby

“What a great time to be young!”
I hear this all the time. Along with:
“You have your whole life ahead of you.” 
“What? You don’t have a boyfriend? Why not, I can’t even…” <— I hope that’s not just me.

So here I am, sitting in my cube [prison] while I write this, utilizing the only free time I’ve had all day. But the day is almost winding down and soon it’ll be closing time. WRONG! I am an engineer, there is never truly closing time, just always more work to be done that you’ll pretty much keep tackling until you either quit or retire. Then it just becomes another young engineer’s plight.  So I’m sitting here, trying to find a reason why I’m here – currently the last place I ever thought I’d end up.

Growing up, there were so many upsides of being a part of Generation Y:
- being able to play outside until the streets lights come on without having to worry about a sniper or other forms of terrorism
- knowing your neighbors and playing with the kids in your neighborhood
- being able to turn on the radio and hear good music
- not even knowing what global warming is

But now?
- yay, we’re the leading force in Occupy Wall Street
- other things that are not fun
- etc.

I grew up in a time where it was common to let children know that the sky is the limit. That I can be “whatever I want to be”. That there are opportunities everywhere for me. I am a part of the ‘blue ribbon for participation’, ‘gold star for effort’ generation, and the ‘no try-outs needed to make the team’ generation. I grew up in the generation of entitlement. The teachers would even praise the class troublemaker or the class bully that even he, could be the President of the United States when he gets older. In the long-run, I truly think that doing this just leads to misguided and unrealistic dreams.  This wasn’t encouraging imagination, or thinking out of the box. It was just notifying us that anything that we wanted would be out in the world, magically waiting for us when we “grow-up”.

“They see me rollin’, they hatin’.”

WE WERE DIFFERENT. WE WERE HOPE FOR THE FUTURE. Now, I’m starting to realize that employment-wise, I’m no different from my parents. I will work, get married, have kids, and continue to work until the last one graduates from college (which unfortunately for my parents is 2024). I won’t like my job, but I will know that there are people depending on my income. I will want to take a vacation for myself, but I will have to settle for vacation times that are convenient with my children’s education, and vacation at a terrible place that the children will enjoy, like Disney World.

In the meantime, my ideas hopes and dreams remain just that. Locked in my subconscious while I, at 22 years young, try to remain self-conscious.  Working at a job that I feel no passion for, in order to pay back my loans. Money that I needed to borrow to get my bachelors degree – my ticket to “become whatever I wanted to be”. These false senses of entitlement leave most of us feeling lost, confused, frustrated, and unfulfilled. Nonetheless, I remain optimistic, with the hopes of a career change in the next 3 years.

If it’s one thing teachers should start encouraging, it’s imagination. If only creativity was encouraged more in schools. The world is changing so quickly that no one truly knows what the future holds for us. I bet that little kid out there somewhere that’s not following instructions and “building that popsicle house all wrong” could help one day. Another thing that needs to be encouraged is hard work.

Hard work + Imagination [+maybe some money] = more chances of success.

As the third of seven children, I was forced to grow up quickly.  I’d give anything to pick the brain of my 9-yr old self. The child with the big hair, who thought she was the most hilarious thing ever, but was humble enough to know that she wasn’t the center of the universe. I bet I had some pretty good ideas.

i guess time really flew

Today makes it 3 months that I’ve been working a real-person job. It’s really hard to believe , and before I know it, it’ll be January and I’ll be starting my next rotation. Then time will fly by and sooner or later, I’ll be finished with the 2-yr rotation program. While I’m very grateful to have a job, especially in this economy…yeah.

What have I learned in these 3 months? - Nothing. Besides the typical software programs necessary to do my job, there is nothing new I have learned about myself. I know I’m awkward, and when I started, I was pretty sure how I would act in any given situation, so nothing really came as a surprise. I’m in MA, so I knew that the diversity would already be lacking. While diversity isn’t a huge factor, I find it sad that in 2011, it is still kind of uncommon, especially since I come from a diverse area.

Any new friends? – No, but surprisingly, I’m more than okay with that. I’m not sure that I want to be friends with people I work with.

Any new goals? – Of course, but they’re extremely work-unrelated.

What do I do with my time outside of work? – I volunteer and I visit my college friends.

Last week was spirit week at my company, and it was just sad. A whole lot of no-spirit, myself included of course.

I seriously don’t know how people work for the rest of their lives, especially in a corporate environment. The cubicle colors, the lack of individual expression, the fluorescent lighting, the smell of stale coffee – it’s all so depressing. I get so excited when I hear someone cursing and swearing because to me, it’s like their soul is trying to escape and you see a glimmer of their true self. I keep my cubicle very neat and clean, but I prefer to separate work and home. I see people who have been here for as little as a year, and they’ve already tried desperately to decorate their cubes, but it still looks so sad, like the Charlie Brown christmas tree. And I won’t even get started on the people who have been here for 30+ years…I’m really not even sure what they’re waiting for.

“achoo”- should i say “bless you”?

Someone just sneezed, and for the billionth time since I’ve started working here, I’m confused what the protocol is. In a place where virtually everyone assumes that professionalism means having no personality, I’m not sure if it’s even professional to acknowledge a sneeze here.

Growing up, I always said ‘Bless you’, but I never equated it with a religious aspect. It just seemed like the right thing to do. Why do people say it? Is it to cover up that awkwardness that someone might feel after they sneeze in a quiet place, or in the middle of a conversation? I remember way long ago when I was taking the SAT and it was dead silent in the room. All of a sudden, someone made one of the loudest “ACHOO”s I’ve ever heard in my life. I have no startle reflex, so I didn’t jump…I was actually kind of irritated at the interruption. I looked around the room and there were looks of disgust on everyone’s faces as they looked around trying to find the sneezing culprit. Finally, someone in the most disgusted voice said “GOD BLESS YOU!”. It was absolutely hilarious and mean, but at the same time, it was necessary in order for everyone to forget about it and go back to taking the exam. We never did find the culprit, as he/she never said the follow-up “Thank you”.

I never really started to question sneezing protocol until my freshman year in college when I said “Bless you” to someone, and they never responded with a “Thank you”. I was so hurt. I also noticed that very few people blessed me when I sneezed. Ever since then, I’ve been extremely selective with my blessings, because I guess not everyone wants to be blessed. I now only “bless” family/close friends. I think in my head, “Do I care about this person’s life/well-being?”. If not, then I don’t say “Bless you”. I don’t know whether or not that seems like the right thing to do, but it works for me. Since then, I’ve also started to kinda sneeze internally, if that makes any sense. I don’t sneeze with my mouth open and release millions of germs (I’m rather considerate) nor do I really make a sound, so no one really knows when I do sneeze.

I also feel that people get out of hand and always feel the need to match the intensity of the ‘Bless you’ with the intensity of the sneeze. Sometimes after a really intense and loud sneeze, I’ll hear “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph – Bless you!”. Seriously?! This is usually followed by an uncomfortable laugh and ‘Thank you’ by the sneezer. It’s so unnecessary.

What is it about natural bodily functions that make people so awkward?

i don’t know how to whisper

Like seriously.

I don’t even understand the concept of whispering. I have always been aware of this, but I am becoming more aware of it now that I work in an office. People whisper here. I can still hear them over my cubicle: talking to their spouses, scheduling a doctor’s appointment, or arguing with someone about a bill dispute. So I guess you could say whispering is all in vain.

"Zack is really a piece of shit, isn't he?"

The thought of playing the ‘telephone’ game in elementary school always made me cringe. I never liked anyone whispering anything to me, especially in my ear. When I first heard ’The Whisper Song’ by the Ying Yang Twins, my first thought was: “Wow, why would  anyone want to be whispered to…in their ear…by the Ying Yang Twins?!” I guess I never learned how to whisper. I grew up in a house with a lot of people. And by a lot, I mean 8 other people. I am the 3rd of 7 kids, (all biological), and we are naturally loud and have strong personalities. Growing up was like a constant battle to have your voice heard. The person who was the loudest won that battle. Now, it’s hard to escape the habit. I both talk and laugh loudly. When I am around friends and family, or am really excited about something, I talk EVEN louder. When I think something is really funny, let’s just say my laugh sounds like an evil witch cackle. People on campus could hear my voice a mile away.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not one of those loud and obnoxious people (which I guess is subjective), but I do know when to shut up.

I think people both sound and look really stupid while whispering, and you have to move your lips in such a weird, unnatural way. So now when people whisper something to me, I just stare at them blankly. It’s as if  I just heard the wind and nothing else. I never whisper back – I just respond in my normal voice. But they keep whispering, as if that’s going to make me eventually whisper back. 

You lose.

awkwardness at the office

Today is Sunday, and like Rebecca Black so kindly taught us, tomorrow is Monday. That also means that at 8am sharp, I will be walking into my office building.

While college offers many awkward life situations, it in no way whatsoever prepares anyone for awkward corporate situations. And there are soooo many.

Let me share with you a few:

1.) The long hallway
- Oh gosh, this could possibly be the worst thing ever. Imagine turning into a long hallway. Now imagine someone else from the other end of the hallway turning in to enter as well. The walk feels like an eternity, and in your mind, you know you’re eventually going to pass this person. Your heart is beating. WHAT DO YOU DO?! Do you ignore? Do you acknowledge? Awkward head nod? Well let me tell you how I handle this. My brain would very much like me to say “hi”, but my voicebox isn’t even having it. So what happens is that I produce the most unrecognizable sound ever. Kinda like a grunt. It’s actually pretty embarrassing. There are 2 possible outcomes. Either: 1.) The person heard me and is wondering what the hell is wrong with me, or 2.) The person did not hear me, but still isn’t going to acknowledge me because of assumed reasons (see below ‘Diversity’). This happens at least once everyday.

2.) The coffee station
- On each floor in my office building, there’s a complimentary “hot beverage” station. And while I love the free tea, I hate actually going there to make my tea. I usually wait until 10am, when I know that everyone has had their coffee fix, until I go there to make my tea. Sometimes though, there is that asshole that interrupts my moment of tea-making peace by coming to make their coffee and try to make small talk with me. Anyone who knows me knows that I HATE SMALL-TALK. Such a true waste of existence. I can do nothing but stand there and provide courtesy laughs and smiles while I rush through making my cup of tea. I usually just end by saying “[courtesy laugh], Well I’ll see ya later.” Of which I clearly have no intention of doing so.

3.) The bathroom
- Wowzers that’s awkward. How come I can’t ever just have the bathroom to myself? Just to get away. Sometimes I just wanna dance and spend odd amounts of time looking at myself in the mirror. But somebody has to walk in and I have to think quickly and bolt to the sink to pretend I was washing my hands. There are also those times where I feel like I have to hurry up and finish peeing and get outta there real quick  because somebody just took the stall next to me. Everybody knows that small-talk while washing your hands is just awkward and fake. We’re women, and were probably thinking really judgmental things about each other.

4.) Ending conversations
- Why is it so hard for people to end conversations? Who honestly enjoys those 2 minutes of silence where each person wonders how to end the conversation. My manager usually waits for those 2 minutes, gives up, and just walks away without saying a thing. I’m not sure whether I should be offended.

5.) Diversity

"We're all super friendly and we love each other."

- Yes, the elephant in the room. Corporate diversity is like the biggest joke ever.  Everyone imagines it’s like this amazing thing where everyone will accept each other’s differences, when in fact, the truth is so far from it. My generation is a little different because it’s not odd to have close friends of different ethnic backgrounds. However, when you’re in a field with very little minorities (engineering) and a building with majority of coworkers from a completely older generation, things can get a little weird. I’d like to think that they don’t really know how to act around a race they’ve never associated with, and it’s pretty clear to see on people’s faces. I can almost see the beads of sweat forming on their foreheads when they might possibly have to interact with me. Like they must form each sentence carefully. But I won’t continue, because this topic can get a little bit touchy. Just know that’s it’s awkward.